It’s that time of year, as we start to come out of the depths of winter and turn our minds towards shifting the extra weight that has crept on, getting a bit fitter for the summer and putting some new healthy habits in place. This is one woman’s experience…
Dear Diary
For my birthday, my husband bought me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I’m in reasonable shape since playing tennis for my local club 43 years ago, I decided I’d be fine and to give it a go!
I arranged the first appoint with a personal trainer named Jamie, who told me he was a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends were impressed with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Jamie waiting for me. He looked like a Greek god – blond hair, clear blue eyes and a dazzling white smile….woo hoo!!
Jamie gave me a tour and showed me the machines…I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Jamie was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door. Jamie made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Jamie was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Jamie put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Jamie told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other s%&t too!
THURSDAY: He was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being half an hour late… it took me that long to tie my trainers. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the toilet. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine….which I sank!
FRIDAY: I hate Jamie more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world….ever! Stupid, skinny, anaemic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Jamie wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn’t show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my diary; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun….like a root canal or hysterectomy. I still say, if GOD wanted me to bend over he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
You’ll be pleased to know that the NHS does not recommend 7 days of exercise purgatory but something more achievable – https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/exercise/
This article is written by Cathy Lawson, Wellbeing Consultant.
